Tom, Tom oh wonderful Tom.  Oh how we wish you never came out of your mom.

Out of the University of Michigan, you were picked in round six.  Even though in your combine picture, you look like a bag of dicks.

Even though no one can doubt your game is amazin’, you are so awkwardly white you put the “cauc” in Caucasian.

When you came in for Bledsoe, no one thought it would sell.  But clearly eleven is not as great as twelve.

Since the year 2000 you’ve dominated the game.  But Jesus Christ am I sick of hearing your name.

You’ve remained quite healthy and need no healers.  Just a couple of tapes on the ’04 Steelers.

Ever since then you’ve been equally hated.  Especially in 2015 when you had us all deflated.

Congrats on the super model, you married Gisele.  But you make out with your son, ok what the hell?

Off the field you are professional and seem quite kind.  But on the field, how about you scream one more damn time?

Aside from Gannon, Roethlisberger, Manning and Flacco too, since 2001 it has only been you.

You’ve owned the AFC and lead strongly ahead.  Despite after your injury in ’08 to the Chiefs, I thought you were dead.

You are Tom the arm bomb, but wait just a sec.  Are you the great one or is it Billicheck?

Your stats and wins are rather impressing, but it coming from check down passes are honestly depressing.

Whether it’s you or Bill who’s slick as soap, it’s safe to say we equally hate you both.

You two have your own problems like a fight between father and son.  But follow your own practices and make out to get the job done.

Your legacy to me will always be tainted.  Whether it’s right or wrong, that’s how I will paint it.

In terms of success, you are the goat.  For the love of god for once could you please fucking choke.

If I sad you were bad, that would make me a liar.  But holy shit I can’t wait for you to retire.

If I have to see you win another Superbowl, I would rather have lava come out of my butthole.

You’ve turned all of New England into believers.  With a grumpy lesbian for a coach and motherfucking white wide receivers.

For this year’s Superbowl, I hope the Rams win by 40 or more.  But I’ll wait and see what cheating scheme you have in store.

You can say what you want and call me a hater.  And I’ll wipe those comments away with my custom Patriots toilet paper.

So sincerely from your ole pal Ben, go the fuck away and make this the end.

In the HOF, you’ve earned your place.  I’ll go to your bust in Canton just to punch you in the face.

You’re the cream of the crop, you’re the highest prestige.  And we all will rejoice when you’re out of the league.

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Written by benfiore

NBA writer of Beyond the Arc. Employee, podcast host and writer for Thoughts From the Bench.

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