12 Days of Christmas: NBA Hilarity Edition

On the 1st day of Christmas, the Commissioner gave to me:  Steven Adams not giving a flying shit.  Before the NBA season, Steven Adams was told in a post practice press session that he was voted the “toughest player in the NBA” by GM’s around the league.  In response, the giant New Zealander responded with “oh I don’t really care mate.  Do I get anything? Do I win anything? Do I get a bonus? That’d be sick!… Toughness, I don’t know, that could mean anything. Seems dumb.”  I can’t blame him.  All these guys want is to play, get paid and win.  No one cares about pointless accolades.  But Steven Adams probably is the toughest guy in the NBA though.  At 7’0 and 270 pounds, dude is a monster, as we saw this year when Willie Cauley-Stein tried pushing Adams, and literally ended up pushing himself away because Adams is a brick freaking wall.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, the Commissioner gave to me: Rondo spitting in Chris Paul’s face.  October 21st, 2018.  Opening night of the NBA, Rockets Lakers.  There was a dispute over a foul on the court.  Multiple guys gathered around the spot of the foul, and Paul and Rondo got right up in each others face.  This lead to Rondo reenacting the epic scene between New York and Pumpkin on “Flavor of Love: Season 2”.  Now Rondo didn’t hock a loogie like Pumpkin, since they had to break it down frame by frame and see the slow mo spit into Paul’s grill.  Honestly it was hilarious seeing Paul, this “backyard basketball” looking dude trade blows with Rondo who might actually be Hopper from ” A Bug’s Life”.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, the Commissioner gave to me: Tristan Thompson talking out of his ass.  After the first week in the NBA, the Cavaliers obviously sucked.  When asked about the team’s struggle, Thompson said the Cavs were “still the favorite in the east”.  Um… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Sorry excuse me.  Technically, yes since the Cavs won the East last year, but come on man.  Look at that roster without LeBron.  Historically, the Cleveland Cavaliers have literally only been successful when LeBron was on the team.  Look man, I admire your hope but you are a jackass.  LeBron carried the Cavs and he isn’t there to save them now.  Tristan, lying already got you laughed at with the Kardashians.  Don’t give people more reasons to laugh at you for your career now.

On the 4th day of Christmas, the Commissioner gave to me: Carmelo, a horrible candy bar and an even worse athlete.  This is my least favorite gift of the year.  If you remember this offseason, Carmelo Anthony got traded by the Thunder to the Hawks.  His tenure with the Hawks lasted about as long as the life of a fruit fly.  Melo then signed with the Rockets.  Cheeseburger Eddy left Houston on November 15th 2018 after just playing a whopping 10 games with the team.  He has since not been signed, and thank Christ for that.  Melo never has been or ever will be elite.  He had FOUR good years out of a 15 year career.  He has a piss poor playoff record and to me is a glorified Shawn Marion.  Sorry Melo fans, he is straight TRASH.

On the 5th day of Christmas, the Commissioner gave to me: a surprising double Triple-Double.  A few nights ago, the Lakers accomplished something that almost never happens.  LeBron James and Lonzo Ball both recorded triple-doubles in the same game against the Hornets.  James posted 24 points, 12 rebounds and 11 assists.  Ball put up 16 points, 10 rebounds and 10 assists.  That really is extraordinary, but can we look at the second half of that?  LONZO BALL was the second guy!  I personally think Kuz is a better baller, but Lonzo has really been hooping this year.  I think now that his “Don King” of a father LaVar has taken a backseat, the attention is now finally on Zo’s playing ability.  But I can’t take all the credit away from that human nuisance.  Clearly Zo gets his skills from his father who averaged 2.2 points in college and an astounding 0.0 points in the NBA.  Regardless, that double trip dub was something else.

On the 6th day of Christmas, the Commissioner gave to me: Dwight Howard having a relationship with Jawanna Mann.  Three weeks ago, a story broke about Dwight Howard having an alleged relationship with a transgender woman by the name of Masin Elije.  Elije was apparently breaking the news about the Wizards’ center and her relationship, when then Dwight and some fellow goons threatened Masin.  Elije was open about it, and exposed Dwight’s threat to the press.  Dwight, your talent has dwindled for years and I’ve always seen you as a douche.  But you are a grown ass man who made a grown ass decision.  If you are embarrassed about it, then maybe you shouldn’t have gone through with it.  At least Dwight got his much loved attention back for the first (deserved) time since 2009, in what I find to be one of the best embarrassments in sports history.

On the 7th day of Christmas, the Commissioner gave to me: Refs overreacting to DJ and Trae Young.  On December 12th, the Hawks and Mavericks faced off in Dallas.  During the game after a score, Deandre Jordan and Trae Young were seen shoving each other.  The referee then gave them both TECHNICAL FOULS for literally joking around.  Jordan and Young tried to make it very clear to the officials that they were smiling and playing around out of friendship, but the ref (who clearly never played basketball before by the looks of him) didn’t listen.  Some people say that basketball is too dramatic.  With instances like this happening though, I get it.

On the 8th day of Christmas, the Commissioner gave to me: Some dope ass “Earned It” jerseys.  This year, a select few of NBA teams received jersey options from the new “Earned It” line.  All teams that received them, were all playoff teams from last season.  Seems like maybe a slight incentive or something.  Either way, these jerseys are all sick, and you need to check them out.

On the 9th day of Christmas, the Commissioner gave to me: Steph Curry’s bad joke.  Last week, Steph was quoted in an interview saying that he “didn’t believe Americans actually landed on the moon”.  He also seemed pretty damn serious when he said it.  It was another situation like when Kyrie said the earth was flat.  NASA later reached out to Steph and invited him to check out all the proof they had on the matter.  After realizing he looked like the “aliens guy” from the History Channel memes, Curry said he ws “obviously joking”.  Hmm well stick to shooting threes, Steph because you suck at stand-up.

On the 10th day of Christmas, the Commissioner gave to me: a fake trade and lots of confusion.  On the 14th of December, there was supposed to be a 3 team trade where Trevor Ariza would be traded from the Suns to the Wizards.  The third party of the trade was supposed to be the Memphis Grizzlies.  The Suns pulled the trade off the table because they were mistaken in thinking the Grizzlies were offering DILLON Brooks while the grizzlies were actually only proposing guard MARSHON Brooks.  After the failed trade, Dillon Brooks ironically tweeted “Go Griz?”.  Honestly I don’t know who feels what way.  I mean if I’m Dillon Brooks, I guess I’m happy that I’m seen to be more valuable.  If I’m Marshon Brooks though, damn.  That’s a real kick to the pants, that a team canceled a whole ass trade when my name came up sheesh.  A new trade was proposed the next day, and Ariza ended back up in Washington anyway.

On the 11th day of Christmas, the Commissioner gave to me: James Harden still being OVERRATED.  There is no doubt that James Harden is a lethal scorer, but that’s it.  He kind of reverts back to a Melo type of play.  It’s literally all scoring.  He doesn’t pass often, and has zero defense.  Harden’s defense is the equivalent of a suspended tissue trying to hold up a fresh burrito.  He travels like a damn running back.  His stepback is a full Michael Jackson moonwalk.  One credit I can give him, is that he might be the greatest flop artist of all time.  That man draws more fouls than almost anyone in the NBA.  Here’s a juicy stat for you, Harden has 193 more free throws than field goals made.  That is true proof that although he can score, a lot of it comes from his flop tactics.  Proving he’s overrated and definitely shouldn’t be reigning MVP if you compare his season last year to that of Anthony Davis and LBJ.  I’m not a hater, just a truth teller.

On the 12th day of Christmas, the Commissioner gave to me: Booker shutting Kanter Up.  Last January, there was a game where the New York Knicks defeated the Phoenix Suns.  Following the game, Enes Kanter tweeted a picture of Devin Booker that said “Hold that L kid”.  Last night, the Suns beat the Knicks.  The Suns are absolutely horrible by the way which makes this twice as funny.  After last nights game, Booker fired back almost a year later by quoting Kanter’s tweet from last year with saying “Pick n Roll at 00 every time”.  00 is Kanter’s number, and the Suns’ big men BODIED Kanter all game.  Booker is a young superstar on a dying team, so I like seeing him win this banter with Kanter.  Plus Kanter is one of the most annoying guys in the league, so it’s even cooler seeing him embarrassed.

This season has been evidently filled with some great, dramatic, and hilarious scenes.  Note that all this has happened before Christmas… which is only two months into this year, so I can’t wait to see what the Commissioner has for us the rest of the season.  He already graced us with 12 awesome gifts, so I’m stoked for what’s in store.  And to all my readers, from Beyond the Arc and all of us at Thoughts From The Bench, Merry Christmas.


Written by benfiore

Sports writer for Thoughts From the Bench. Specializing in NBA and UFC coverage. Author of the NBA focused column, "Beyond the Arc". Bridging the gap between comedy and accurate sports content for your enjoyment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: