GUESS WHAT. I’M BACK.
Your boy Smalls has been dealing with some grown up stuff over the past few months. As I’ve explained, moving to a new city has been interesting to say the least. While I didn’t exactly enjoy having to take time off from writing, it was necessary and a good time to put some things in perspective. Adulting is hard (and expensive). But there’s one thing that still hasn’t changed…
PITT IS A GOD DAMN SAFETY SCHOOL.
I’ve already written about how this weekend’s Pitt-Penn State football game in State College means a little more to this TFTB writer than most games:
“Growing up in Pittsburgh while being raised in a Penn State household was tough at times. I was in a sea of Pitt sports fans with no allies. I’ll admit I was a pseudo Pitt basketball fan, only because the Penn State basketball program has always been dog shit at best (only 4 NCAA tournament appearances since 1990). But with both of my parents graduating from Penn State in the 1980’s, I was conditioned to despise Pitt football, due to the heated rivalry that used to have national championship implications year in and year out. I grew up hearing all about Dan Marino vs. Todd Blackledge and Jackie Sherrill vs. Joe Paterno. I heard about how the Panthers beat the Nittany Lions 7-6 in 1976 and went on to win the national championship that year. I heard about how the #9 ranked Nittany Lions came into Three Rivers Stadium in 1981 and throttled the #1 ranked Panthers to spoil their national championship bid. This rivalry was one of the best of its time, and since I grew up behind enemy lines, I had it built up in my head as something bigger than football.”SHOULD THE PENN STATE-PITT FOOTBALL RIVALRY CONTINUE? YES.
This still holds true. I honestly grew up with this game seared into my brain. And now that it’s the last game between these two programs in the foreseeable future, it has a whole new level of importance in my life. I’ve even taken one of my few PTO days to drive up to Happy Valley early Friday morning in anticipation for this game. This just means more to me.
I get it. You’re probably sitting there thinking “Dude, calm down, it’s not even a rivalry anymore, Penn State is worlds better than that disaster of a football program”, which couldn’t be more true. But the amount of trash talk and nonsense I’ve heard about the domination of Pitt sports in the 412 and the 2011 scandal (find a new slant, Panther fans, it’s been overplayed) I’ve heard over the years has stayed with me. Yes, we’re a cult. But it’s the funnest damn cult to be a part of.
So without further ado, let’s get started with Day 1 of Smalls’ Inaugural Panther Hate Week.
Day 1 Topic of Discussion – 4 Reasons Why Pat Narduzzi is the Biggest Narc in College Football
#1: He’s the Saltiest Dude in the NCAA
After Lamont Wade, the standout 4-star DB out of Clairton (in other words, Narduzzi’s backyard), decided to commit to Penn State back in 2016 in lieu of the Panthers, the Pitt head coach clearly didn’t take too kindly to that and decided to “go low” (I’ll go back to this quote in a bit).
A Pittsburgh reporter asked the head football coach about what he sees from Wade at Penn State. In response, Narduzzi reportedly said, “You don’t see him a whole lot. You don’t see him a lot out there.”247 Sports
A 19-year old kid preparing to play a college football game against his hometown team: literally nothing
Pat Narduzzi: Nice, an opportunity to be the the most spiteful b***h in college football! This’ll show him!
#2: He has paper-thin skin
Wanna know the best way to tell which guy’s the narc? If he can’t roll with the punches or give it as good as he can take it, he’s 1000% a narc. And in this case, Nardy is the kid that cries to the teacher when his classmates accidentally knock him down playing tag at recess.
We all remember this quote from Nittany Lions HC Jimmy Franklin:
Damn, Patty-boy, you really got him!!! James is gonna really have that SIZZLING comment burned into his brain when game-planning for Ohio State while you go off and lose to a 3-9 North Carolina team the same year. And you don’t “go low”, huh? Is an unsolicited jab at a 19-year-old kid that you lost during recruitment “going high”?
F**k outta here, dude.
#3: He’s a radio show tattle-tale
If I’ve learned anything growing up in Pittsburgh, it’s that an athlete or coach that has his own weekly time-slot on the local sports station is always a recipe for disaster (cc: Ben Roethlisberger). Before getting smoked by Georgia Tech in 2017, Narduzzi went on his 93.7 radio show and issued the following HEAT:
“They do a lot of high-lowing,” Narduzzi said. “It’s dangerous football, I can tell you that. You watch inside, if you watch our nose tackle, there’s times when a center is kind of hitting him up high and there’s a guy coming in from the other side, which is really illegal, but they never call it. I don’t quite understand how that happens.”TribLive
Georgia Tech HC Paul Johnson’s response after beating Pitt 35-17:
“As a conference rule, we have to have, like, four ambulances at our games because we hurt so many people,” he said tongue-in-cheek. “Come on. Played 10 years, I can’t remember anybody that’s ever gotten hurt out there playing. That’s just trying to get the officials to call something that ain’t there.”TribLive
Oh, Patrick. You getting dunked on for being a nerd is my favorite thing about Pitt football.
#4: Just look at him.
Nardy-boy looks like the sweaty boy scout troop leader that LOVES teaching the youth of America how to tie knots. He’s the guy that calls the neighborhood watch committee to complain about how his neighbor’s “unkept” grass is getting out of hand. He’s basically the complete opposite of Washington State’s Mike Leach (that might be the nail in the coffin). He’s the guy that kisses his own players (true story):
Just the skeeviest guy. I’d much rather have the glorious shiny bald head of James Franklin over the sweat-soaked visor of Pat Narduzzi, and you can take that to the bank.
Hey Benny Buckets/Greg Malek…. your football program is a joke.