Dear readers, as you’ve seen with the Tiger Woods article in the past, none of this is a direct quote from Ben Simmons. But we like to think this is what is on his mind if we were able to dive in. Enjoy!

”ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS BOIIIII. That’s the highest number I’ve ever heard in my life.  Over a span of 5 years, that’s almost a decade!  All y’all wanna boo me or not think I’m worth it we’ll tell that shit to Josh Harris cuz he knows I’m worth it.  Sure I can’t shoot, but I can dunk and that’s cool right?  Plus I’m a really good passer, like my mom said I’m by far the best passer she’s ever seen.  I think that was just a pick me up though since I went 1-15 from the field… And I know a lot of you are like, ‘yo you’re not even the best player on the team’ but honestly though, at least I didn’t ugly cry after we lost like Joel’s bitch ass did lmaoooo.  I was a freshman phenomenon at LSU like Shaq, ok maybe not like Shaq but I was good dawg.  I mean how many guys do you know that aren’t exactly guards, but aren’t exactly big men that also can’t shoot with mediocre defense that get paid THAT much?  Just me?  Yeah that’s what I thought.  *Flexes in Australian*.

I’m coming into this season with a fat paycheck, fresh line up (even on my chinstrap) with at least one of the Kardashians or Jenner’s on my arm.  That puts me in elite company too, there’s only been like 24 pro athletes to ever do that!  Shit I’ll take Caitlyn for all I care, I’m rich biaaaaaatch.  ESPN, FOX, Thoughts From The Bench and all those other sports coverage companies that hate on me can have my middle finger gift wrapped.  I’ll be ringing that Liberty Bell all damn season… until we get knocked out in the second round (again).  But that’s beside the point.  I EARNED this I DESERVE it.  Plus bro we added studs like Al Horford who looks great for 65, and sure we lost Jimmy but JOSH RICHARDSON AS A REPLACEMENT DOEEEE.  Honestly idgaf about the team I know I’m kinda trash but now I’m RICH trash.  Suck it!