Tiger Woods Is Back: As Told by the Ego of Tiger Woods

Before I get started here, I just want to remind you that all of the following is a perception of Tiger Woods’ doing an interview after winning the 2019 Masters if his ego was allowed to speak rather than the typical polite Tiger response.  So here we go…

Tiger’s Ego:  What’s up bitches, guess who’s back.  Back again.  Tiger’s back, tell yo wife’s friends.  Ya know, I just wanna start off by saying to all of y’all motherfuckers who doubted me the last decade, SUCK ON MY CONFUSINGLY BIRACIAL BAAAAAAALLLLSSS.  I’m on top again baby that’s right.  I didn’t even need the green jacket because I already have a few from back when I gave a fuck.  The last 10 years, I’ve just had a different focus.  Being a gigolo and shit.  I mean Elin was alright and all but come on, she been crazy.  I mean clearly, hoe smashed MY car with MY golf clubs.  Then I skiing with Lindsey Vonn for a hot minute but she kept tryna say she was the better athlete hahahaha so sent her out of bounds you feel me?  I was bringing women Subway on some gentlemanly shit, but I’m a monster?  Come on now.  I’m THE Tiger Woods.  I only show you the quiet respectable side, but I’m the Joe Namath of golf.  I’m also the GOAT of golf.  Nicklaus, Arnie and all those other wrinkly sacks of overhype couldn’t handle this!  I’m 3 behind Jack, sure.  But that man wasn’t a business mogul with a brand like me.  He wasn’t out there being the James Bond of sports like me.  I mean his name is Jack… and my name’s Tiger.  Shit don’t even compare son.  I’m provin’ my pops proud ever since he taught me.  Put some spek on my name.  I was a young phenom and was the prodigy of the sport.  So who cares if I took a decade off.  Hold up wait a minute.  Y’all thought I was finished?  I was just recovering from a long ass hangover.

Image result for tiger woods mugshot
See?  PLUS, did you forget that I came back from multiple surgeries?  I had to reconstruct my swing and deal with little pricks like Rory McElroy and Rickie Fowler thinking they’re me for years.  Fuck outta hear with that shit lmao.  I’m only 43 now and I’m picking up where I left off.  I’ve only just started.  So I hope everyone is listening.  Like that bum ass Molinari, hillbilly ass Bubba, plain ass Dustin, lefty Phil with his geriatric ass and all you other sand trap sinkers, I’m taking the reigns again boiiiii.  I GOT THE HORSES IN THE BACK!  I’m gonna be rolling through Nike headquarters in a robe on my hoverboard for my next ” Masters champion” photoshoot.  Oh, and don’t think I forgot, to that dude who tried to slide tackle my ass on Saturday… I’M COMIN FOR YOU BRO.  THE NEXT “TRIP” YOU HAVE WILL BE TO THE HOSPITAL BOY.  Eh hem, sorry excuse me.  But seriously, I just made the whole world care about golf again.  Nobody else could do that.  I planned it that way, I wanted the story of a lifetime.  NOBODY ever had that big of a gap between Masters wins but me.  I’m the gold standard.  And the rumor is true, watch out when I got that red polo and black slacks on son.  HEAR THE ROAR. I.  AM.  BACK.  Tiger out.

Written by benfiore

Sports writer for Thoughts From the Bench. Specializing in NBA and UFC coverage. Author of the NBA focused column, "Beyond the Arc". Bridging the gap between comedy and accurate sports content for your enjoyment.

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