Beer is beautiful and so is the sport of football. So I started pondering something. Which team relates to which beer. Some relate to the beer by taste and others could rank based on how something as simple as their names both sound alike. It’s a weird but awesome ideology that I came up with and today we are going to find out which beer relates to which NFL team.
Arizona Cardinals – Busch Light
The Cardinals were terrible this season so it isn’t the worst thing in the world to compare them to a terrible beer. The reason it isn’t the worst beer on this list is that they have a chance to get better with the number one overall pick in the draft.
Atlanta Falcons – Rolling Rock
Not a bad beer by any means, but after a while you kind of have a metal taste in your mouth. So you stop drinking it because it will make you sick. This relates to Atlanta because when the defense was shoved down everyone’s throats they became withered and injured so their defense turned awful and sour this season.
Baltimore Ravens – PBR
A weird choice maybe in the eyes of some, but picture you’ve had the same beer for so long and you want a change to it. So you switch to a beer that has a unique taste to it. You’re not sure whether it will be good in the future, but you ride with it anyway. That ladies and gentlemen is Lamar Jackson and the Baltimore Ravens in a nutshell.
Buffalo Bills – Natty Light
A couple of reasons for this pick. I feel the Bills last season deserved he nature ice which is worse. They have developed since then and have grown, but not in incredible fashion yet. Plus their fans go through tables. I see that happening at colleges which many students drink this particular beer.
Carolina Panthers – Old Milwaukee
Old Milwaukee is an acquired taste just as the Panthers had to be an acquired taste for football fans this year. You wanted to cheer on, but for some reason your team kept losing. Just as McCaffrey was the shining light on the Panthers, the design and name give it justice. Everything else about it though just isn’t that great to me.
Chicago Bears – Miller Lite
Miller Lite is a decent beer. The Bears were a great football team. Here is the thing you have a lot of miller lites and you’re having a great night. When all of a sudden you get a feeling like you’ve been kicked in the gut. I’ve had many times where I just drank a lot of these and it came back to haunt me. That was the case for the Bears and their kicker Cody Parkey. It’s great until you get that kick.
Cincinnati Bengals – Keystone Light
This is a leaky beer. It’s not good but for some reason people just keep drinking it. Kind of like the Marvin’s Lewis and Andy Dalton situations where fans know they need to move on, but it’s harder than they think. They just keep indulging in seasons or drinking this beer hoping this one will be better, but nope surprise it’s still garbage.
Cleveland Browns – Bud Light
Okay everyone is going to lose their mind as to why the Browns are Bud Light. To be fair Bud Light was decent enough and got the job done when it was needed. The Browns did the same thing last season. Now they have so many pieces. Bud Light also has now many flavors and those new flavors have helped Bud Light out a lot in sales and the same thing will happen to the Cleveland Browns next season.
Dallas Cowboys – Budweiser
America’s team. America’s beer. Enough said.
Denver Broncos – Coors Light
The Mountains are blue indeed as it means the watered down beer is cold and the Broncos has another disappointing season. Time will tell if Flacco is the answer, but I will say old beer is gross and like Flacco often at times should be avoided.
Detroit Lions – Lionshead
Not too much to say here. They are the Lions and it’s Lionshead.
Green Bay Packers – Simpler Times
Simpler Times represents Green Bay’s shitty situations as of late. They were once a mighty feared football team. Sadly, this team finished 6-9-1. Here’s hoping that the Packers can turn it around in 2019.
Houston Texans – Miller High Life
It is a very good beer and the Texans are a very good football team. However, they are often lost and forgotten about in the shuffle when it comes to other NFL teams. They got smacked by the Colts and lost in the wildcards to get to the playoffs. Most of the time Miller High Life gets smacked by Miller Light and Bud Light. These are facts.
Indianapolis Colts – Heineken
Heineken is probably one of the most promised beers of our time. It is clean, crisp and refreshing. That is what the Colts got this year. A nice refreshing season after a terrible garbage year with Mr. Jacoby as their quarterback. With Luck back they’ll be looking to dominate the AFC once again.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Busch
Busch is a terrible beer. The Jaguars were one of the worst teams in the NFL this season. This reminds me when people brag about Busch and you look at them like they are nuts. I did the same with Jalen Ramsey as he talked about how bad some quarterbacks were and his team was completely awful inside and out.
Kansas City Chiefs – Michelob Ultra
Both of the Chiefs and Michelob Ultra are good in their own rights. They do have their weaknesses however. The Chief’s defense has become absolute garbage with letting Eric Berry, Justin Houston and Dee Ford go. They replaced Berry with the Honey Badger, but that is just like Michelob Ultra saying it tastes watered down because it has 90 calories. It just doesn’t do it justice and the same can be said about Kansas City’s defense. They won’t win a Super Bowl unless it is properly fixed.
Los Angeles Chargers – Dogfish Head
The Chargers have been selected to be like Dogfish Head. This beer is a strong IPA style drink that normally can put some people on their butts if they have one too many. I can say the same thing about teams that the Chargers have faced this past season. They have proven that they are very strong offensive front, but if they let their defenses it can come back to haunt them. Dogfish Head has a similar effect.
Los Angeles Rams – Fat Tire
The Rams are Fat Tire. They are a beer that you know is going to taste good. Sometimes maybe you’ll get like one bad experience with Fat Tire, but the rest of the time should be plentiful and delicious. The same thing can be said about the Rams. They played amazing all season and absolutely got demolished in the Super Bowl against the Patriots.
Miami Dolphins – Keystone
The Dolphins weren’t that bad in the 2018 season, but have quickly become the worst team so far in the off season heading into the 2019 season. When I thought of this I wondered what amount of mediocrity I wanted to put into this. College people tend to drink these beers and drink a lot of them. They are looking to forget and move on which is exactly what the Dolphins are doing this time around.
Minnesota Vikings – Coors Original
Coors Original is actually a pretty decent beer. The problem is when you drink you expected something a little bit more out of it to be honest. Now call me crazy, but isn’t there a certain quarterback on the Vikings that was expected to perform at a higher level and couldn’t get the job done. Oh right that was Kirk Cousins.
New England Patriots – Samuel Adams
I mean if you thought this was going to be something else I am not sure of your sanity. The drink is a Boston lager and the Patriots reside in New England. They become very heavy and hard to finish after a while which is why everyone except people from Boston can tolerate them. New England is the same way as they are virtually hated everywhere except by New England fans.
New Orleans Saints – Stella Artois
Stella Artois is a beer meant for some of the best in the very world we live in according to their commercials. The way is see it the Saints have definitely made their way into the category among the greats in the NFL.
New York Giants – Milwaukee’s Best
Milwaukee’s best is trash and that is what the Giants are turning into. I feel so bad for athletes like Sterling Shephard and Saquon Barkley for wasting their potentials there. They refuse to move off of Eli much like people refuse to move off of this terrible beer. Only bad things can come from these two things.
New York Jets – Corona
Look I get it. Wheyier the Jets compared to one of the best beers and they aren’t that good of a team. A corona is never as good without its lime. The same can be said for the Jets. They have struggled to find the one piece that can take them to the promise land. I believe that Sam Darnold and Le’Veon Bell can be the limes to the coronas for the Jets.
Oakland Raiders – Hurricane
This is an easy comparison. A hurricane tastes awful and the Raiders play awful. Plus if you have one too many you start to get drunk way too quickly being that it has an 8.1% alcohol content. I compare the drinking of these beers to the amount of money and superstars they brought in. It may look good on paper, but it will come back to bite them mark my words.
Philadelphia Eagles – Yuengling
It is the beer of Pennsylvania. It is also a beer that some people need to get an acquired taste to in order to enjoy. That is the way Philadelphia Eagles fans have been for years. Luckily they finally won a Super Bowl, but the road doesn’t end here. Now with certain pieces gone fans will look to acquire that same taste for victory as someone who drinks a Yuengling.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Iron City
This one was pretty simple. The Iron City beer has been a staple for Pittsburgh sports for years. The Steelers aren’t the only ones as they have sponsored the Penguins and the Pirates as well. This is a tough beer for a tough city that has tough fans that worship tough teams. If that doesn’t make you want to have one I don’t know what will.
San Francisco 49ers – Guinness
The Guinness beer is a dark beer that is enjoyed by only the few who can appreciate the taste. When it comes to fans of the 49ers I can say the same thing. This team has struggled to get back to the promise land for years. This year I am labeling the 49ers as a dark horse team that can swoop in and take everybody by surprise. So a dark horse calls for a dark beer.
Seattle Seahawks – Goose Island
A fitting touch as a bird beer goes to a bird team. The Seahawks are good and have just narrowly missed their opportunities as of late. Some people can say the same thing about a Goose Island beer. When it comes to IPA’s it may not be their first choice, but when they have it they enjoy it. The same thing can be said about people who watch the Seahawks. Excluding their fans, when other fans watch that team they know they are good.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Blue Moon
I know you are puzzled right well let me explain. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers aren’t that great, but now they have a head coach who can do some good. When talking about a Blue Moon it is essentially the same thing. It is fairly decent on its own, but when you add the orange it makes all the difference. Hopefully, this can be the start of Winston’s rise because if it isn’t he will be thrown away like an empty bottle of Blue Moon.
Tennessee Titans – Modelo
I’ll be honest I picked this comparison because I do not know much about Modelo other than it tastes alright. I say this every year about the Titans. They are literally the one team I pay very little attention to. It doesn’t look like it could compete with other beers or teams, but they somehow find a way to pull it off.
Washington Redskins – Natural Ice
This is by far my last choice of a beer ever. It isn’t good at all and would make me sick if I even really drank it. This isn’t a slam on the Redskins team, but on the Redskins management who consistently try to push this team further and further into the ground. If they can rid of the owner and others that are constantly hurting their team then this could be changed, but until then it will always look to me like garbage.