In what some people in my head are calling “Once In A Generation News”, we finally have definitive proof as to what the purple blob that stole McDonald’s Shakes through our childhood actually is. Grimace, an OG character featured in McDonaldland commercials debuted in 1971 and has always appeared as a giant furry purple blob of happiness.
McDonalds Fandom Wiki Page (yes, you read that correctly) describes him as a “creature with short arms and legs; started out as an “evil” character who used to steal milkshakes, before being changed to a “good” one; favorite with the kids”. Initial reaction here, but it must have been a tough gig to steal milkshakes with such tiny arms, and tiny legs.
In a recent interview with CBC News, award-winning McDonald’s Manager Brian Bates decided to open up a McCan of Worms on the world, throwing down the gauntlet that is Grimace’s species. Bates, recipient of the Outstanding Manager of the Year award and McDonald’s employee since he was 19, unofficially revealed the answer to one of the world’s most unsolved mysterious questions – Dafuq is that purple thing?
“He is an enormous taste bud, but a taste but nonetheless”
In case you, much like every other human on the planet, have never even fathomed what a taste bud would look like, I did what the kids call “research” and typed that bad boy into the Google machine.
Waa-Laah, a taste bud. As spectacular as this finding is, it leaves us with a few…unanswered questions.
First, does this mean that as a child (as stated above) I hugged Grimace, and Grimace was then in turn able to taste me?
Second, once Grimace steals these delicious shakes, does he just bath in the shake itself? If he IS a taste bud, then the quickest way for him to enjoy the shake would be to pour that bad boy right on his head, absorbing it through his large, fluffy taste bud body.
Third, are our taste buds furry? If the personification of the human anatomy has shown us anything from Lil Dicky’s song “Pillow Talk”, it’s that humans are just almost always sometimes spot on about the look and of the comical recreation of organs and cells.
Fourth, what will we do with this information? Most likely nothing, but doesn’t your Friday feel a lot better now?
thoughtsfromthebench.com 